It was April of 2014 after a church service the last time I laid down my intentions to a woman I like to marry. After a week, I got a “yes”, not knowing how to respond, I just invited her to pray. After a few months of going out and spending time with friends and spiritual family, we decided to end the courtship, You probably asking why, well it simply we were not meant for each other.
Though I believe the courtship was successful, I know it was painful and at the same time on my part. I realize that I wasn’t really ready of entering into a relationship with someone because of my immaturity and insecurities. So throughout the months that I was healing myself, I seek, I read, I work steadily to improve just to be the best version of me — I’m not yet really at that level, but I believe I made progression each year that goes by.
Just a disclaimer, I’m not an expert, nor you may disagree with my opinion, I’m just sharing what I learned from my experiences and what other mentors and married men told me in clearing my intentions to women I like. You may take it or not, and it’s all up to you.
But before anything else, make sure you are confident that you can lead her, you have a job, you are grounded in the Scriptures, and have a relationship with God, and foremost, she is godly because it is not enough that she’s just a Christian.
Men, when you like a girl, don’t dilly dally or ask yourself whether this girl will like you back or not, just go and pursue her. I kid you not, I wasted my time spending 3 years waiting for the right time when to declare my intentions of courting the woman I liked before. It’s okay to be friends with her because after all, friendship is the foundation of any relationship, but don’t wait for too long. I learned that I played safe because I fear rejection, so as a result, it was a painful experience.
Have a timeline when you will clear your intentions. I think having a timeline is important. Perhaps the reason why I waited too long was that I don’t have any timeline, to begin with. I enjoyed so much being with her as a friend for the long time that I don’t have any goals. I wasted my youth if I had only figured out that we are never meant for each other and we are good as friends only, as early as possible, I would have saved time and never invested so many emotions and time for that person.
Have a list of qualities and characteristics you prefer to married with. Not all men have this, but I do. It helps me to make better decisions of what I like versus of what I really want.
Don’t date or court someone whom you will not marry. The goal of courtship is to get to know your potential future spouse. The goal of courtship must be marriage. You wouldn’t like to invest your emotions and, time and money to someone you will not marry, it will be such a waste if you date just for fun. “Date wisely, it will save you from heartbreak”, a married friend once said to me whom I have met last week,
Be firm with your decision. There will be many factors that might affect your decision. Perhaps, the opinion of others. The opinion of your leaders, spiritual mentors, family, and friends are important but they are not the one who will choose a spouse for you. Be selective, not all opinions matters. One way to help you be firm in your decision is asking yourself, why do I like her?, do I see myself with this person for a lifetime?, and most important and should never be neglected, what does God say?
Now you’ve got all what you need, what’s next? Tell her! “Man up!” , this is what I often hear from others. Men should man up! Oh yes! I am preaching to myself as well! Haha.
- What do you like about her?
- Why her?
- What do you want to say? I‑like-you
- What do you want her to do? I–like-to-ask–your-permission-if-you-would-allow-me-to-date-and-court-you.
- For what? To-get-to-know-you.
Then pause and wait for her decision. She might be in the state of confusion or bewildered by your courage and still processing everything you have just said. She also might laugh at you and thought it was a joke but show to her that you are serious.
Hooray, you did it! So, what then? Probably the next step is how to handle her response. And it’s only three: “Yes”, “No” and, “I will pray for it”.
This is how you respond. Another disclaimer, I only learned this from my leader whom I talked with last Sunday.
If she says Yes. Boom! you got her! She is giving you a chance! In this case, you may say, “Thank you, I will try my best to pursue and win your heart and in the event that you will say “no” while in the process, I will respect your decision.
If she says No. It’s okay brother. Men are born warriors. If she says no, then ask the reason why. Then assure her that you will respect her decision as well.
if she says, I will pray about it. This means she will pray and ask God for help to decide. In this case, ask her whether she will pray for the decision or she will pray whether she will consider entering a relationship with you. And if she will answer the latter part, then it means she already allowing you to court and date her. If the first one, give her a week and ask her out again for a follow-up. Just a reminder, don’t make kulit her during the week she is praying and thinking about her decision.
And that’s it. The purpose of courtship season is to get to know whether both of you will proceed to engagement and then marriage. Have a timeline as well when you will plan to get married. While this may sound a good guide, it is better to consult with your parents and married friends.
Now you should be able to Ready.Set.Go.
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