To The “Not Yet Married” Men In Clearing Your Intentions

It was April of 2014 after a church ser­vice the last time I laid down my inten­tions to a woman I like to mar­ry. After a week, I got a “yes”, not know­ing how to respond, I just invit­ed her to pray. After a few months of going out and spend­ing time with friends and spir­i­tu­al fam­i­ly, we decid­ed to end the courtship, You prob­a­bly ask­ing why, well it sim­ply we were not meant for each oth­er.

Though I believe the courtship was suc­cess­ful,  I know it was painful and at the same time on my part. I real­ize that I wasn’t real­ly ready of enter­ing into a rela­tion­ship with some­one because of my imma­tu­ri­ty and inse­cu­ri­ties. So through­out the months that I was heal­ing myself, I seek, I read, I work steadi­ly to improve just to be the best ver­sion of me — I’m not yet real­ly at that lev­el, but I believe I made pro­gres­sion each year that goes by.

Just a dis­claimer, I’m not an expert, nor you may dis­agree with my opin­ion, I’m just shar­ing what I learned from my expe­ri­ences and what oth­er men­tors and mar­ried men told me in clear­ing my inten­tions to women I like. You may take it or not, and it’s all up to you. 

But before any­thing else, make sure you are con­fi­dent that you can lead her, you have a job, you are ground­ed in the Scrip­tures, and have a rela­tion­ship with God, and fore­most, she is god­ly because it is not enough that she’s just a Chris­t­ian.

Men, when you like a girl, don’t dil­ly dal­ly or ask your­self whether this girl will like you back or not, just go and pur­sue her.  I kid you not, I wast­ed my time spend­ing 3 years wait­ing for the right time when to declare my inten­tions of court­ing the woman I liked before. It’s okay to be friends with her because after all, friend­ship is the foun­da­tion of any rela­tion­ship, but don’t wait for too long. I learned that I played safe because I fear rejec­tion, so as a result, it was a painful expe­ri­ence.

Have a time­line when you will clear your inten­tions. I think hav­ing a time­line is impor­tant. Per­haps the rea­son why I wait­ed too long was that I don’t have any time­line, to begin with. I enjoyed so much being with her as a friend for the long time that I don’t have any goals. I wast­ed my youth if I had only fig­ured out that we are nev­er meant for each oth­er and we are good as friends only, as ear­ly as pos­si­ble, I would have saved time and nev­er invest­ed so many emo­tions and time for that per­son.

Have a list of qual­i­ties and char­ac­ter­is­tics you pre­fer to mar­ried with. Not all men have this, but I do. It helps me to make bet­ter deci­sions of what I like ver­sus of what I real­ly want.

Don’t date or court some­one whom you will not mar­ry. The goal of courtship is to get to know your poten­tial future spouse. The goal of courtship must be mar­riage. You wouldn’t like to invest your emo­tions and, time and mon­ey to some­one you will not mar­ry, it will be such a waste if you date just for fun. “Date wise­ly, it will save you from heart­break”, a mar­ried friend once said to me whom I have met last week,

Be firm with your deci­sion. There will be many fac­tors that might affect your deci­sion. Per­haps, the opin­ion of oth­ers. The opin­ion of your lead­ers, spir­i­tu­al men­tors, fam­i­ly, and friends are impor­tant but they are not the one who will choose a spouse for you. Be selec­tive, not all opin­ions mat­ters. One way to help you be firm in your deci­sion is ask­ing your­self, why do I like her?, do I see myself with this per­son for a life­time?, and most impor­tant and should nev­er be neglect­ed, what does God say?

Now you’ve got all what you need, what’s next? Tell her! “Man up!” , this is what I often hear from oth­ers. Men should man up! Oh yes! I am preach­ing to myself as well! Haha.

Tell her:

  • What do you like about her?
  • Why her?
  • What do you want to say? I-like-you
  • What do you want her to do? I–like-to-ask–your-permission-if-you-would-allow-me-to-date-and-court-you.
  • For what? To-get-to-know-you.

Then pause and wait for her deci­sion. She might be in the state of con­fu­sion or bewil­dered by your courage and still pro­cess­ing every­thing you have just said. She also might laugh at you and thought it was a joke but show to her that you are seri­ous.

Hooray, you did it! So, what then? Prob­a­bly the next step is how to han­dle her response. And it’s only three: “Yes”, “No” and, “I will pray for it”.

This is how you respond. Anoth­er dis­claimer, I only learned this from my leader whom I talked with last Sun­day.

If she says Yes. Boom! you got her! She is giv­ing you a chance! In this case, you may say, “Thank you, I will try my best to pur­sue and win your heart and in the event that you will say “no” while in the process, I will respect your deci­sion.

If she says No. It’s okay broth­er. Men are born war­riors. If she says no, then ask the rea­son why. Then assure her that you will respect her deci­sion as well.

if she says, I will pray about it. This means she will pray and ask God for help to decide. In this case, ask her whether she will pray for the deci­sion or she will pray whether she will con­sid­er enter­ing a rela­tion­ship with you. And if she will answer the lat­ter part, then it means she already allow­ing you to court and date her. If the first one, give her a week and ask her out again for a fol­low-up. Just a reminder, don’t make kulit her dur­ing the week she is pray­ing and think­ing about her deci­sion.

And that’s it. The pur­pose of courtship sea­son is to get to know whether both of you will pro­ceed to engage­ment and then mar­riage. Have a time­line as well when you will plan to get mar­ried. While this may sound a good guide, it is bet­ter to con­sult with your par­ents and mar­ried friends.

Now you should be able to Ready.Set.Go.

A Lesson In Dating and In Life

love and life

You know the sto­ry, we all have these expe­ri­ences when we went out with some­one we have admired for a such a long time, and oh, not for­got to men­tion the bat­tles you’ve faced with­in your­self, the strug­gle you had when you fought your own fear of ask­ing her out on a date and then both of you had a great time and the sto­ry goes on, then it’s up to you how you will end the sto­ry.

When was your first date hap­pened? How was your expe­ri­ence? Mine was almost 3 years ago and it was great indeed. I can say that going out with the one you love espe­cial­ly with the one you’ve dreamed of to spend your life with, prob­a­bly one of the great­est thing that could ever hap­pen to you.

Last Thurs­day, it was my first time to attend a Toast Mas­ters Club meet­ing since I decid­ed to join one to devel­op my abil­i­ty to speak, to com­mu­ni­cate and to lead. And as usu­al, they said that dur­ing the month of Feb­ru­ary, “love is in the air”. And our top­ic was about love that’s why I decid­ed to write some­thing about it as my valentine’s blog entry for this month.

Dat­ing is a sea­son of get­ting to know the per­son we are con­sid­er­ing to be a life­time part­ner, by going out togeth­er on a restau­rant to try new food, going out to watch a movie and etc. And yes, we all know that dat­ing doesn’t last, that’s why a Chris­t­ian sug­gest­ed not to date espe­cial­ly when the intent is not for mar­riage because the rea­son is sim­ple — it doesn’t last, it would only a waste of time, mon­ey, effort and worst.. invest­ed emo­tions. While most Chris­tians enter the sea­son of courtship instead, where­in a seri­ous com­mit­ment is estab­lished, a guy only go out with a one woman and woman would not allow any oth­er men to date or court her and con­sid­ered as pre-engage­ment.

Let me share a short sto­ry first:

Dur­ing the reign of Queen Vic­to­ria, it has been said in the his­to­ry that Prime Min­is­ter Ben­jamin Dis­raeli of Eng­land and his polit­i­cal rival had a date with the same woman on a dif­fer­ent nights. Lat­er the woman asked about her impres­sion between the two mighty men. She said, “when I left the din­ing room after sit­ting next to Mr. Glad­stone, I thought he was the clever­est man in Eng­land”, but after sit­ting next to Mr.Disraeli, I thought I was the clever­est woman in Eng­land.

Lat­er, Ben­jamin Dis­raeli won the posi­tion of being a Prime Min­is­ter of Eng­land.

I’m not a rela­tion­ship expert to give advice to you but here’s what I learn from my pre­vi­ous dat­ing expe­ri­ence, if you want to get to know the oth­er per­son stop talk­ing about your­self, stop talk­ing about your accom­plish­ments, your expe­ri­ences or any­thing you could offer on the table. Start talk­ing about the oth­er per­son. The same prin­ci­ple applies in life if we want to win more peo­ple, we can win more friends by becom­ing gen­uine­ly inter­est­ed to them.

Whether it could be dat­ing or courtship, both of their pur­pose is to get to know the oth­er per­son. Dale Carnegie, in his book How to Win Friends and Influ­ence Peo­ple he said: “You can make more friends in two months by becom­ing inter­est­ed in oth­er peo­ple than you can in two years by try­ing to get oth­er peo­ple inter­est­ed in you.”

Do you have  date this Valentine’s Day? Maybe you can apply this words of wis­dom to your date today. :).