I just got back from the habit of fin­ish­ing a book in one month. And there was a day I was look­ing for a book to read from my book­shelf. And voila! I saw Pas­tor Dan Chun’s book about how to pick spouse and it sounds inter­est­ing. So I read it.

I believe that there are three major deci­sions in life that we have to make.

Mas­ter: To whom will I ded­i­cate my life?
Mis­sion: What is my pur­pose or pas­sion in life?
Mate: Who will be my spouse?

To whom will I ded­i­cate my life? If you can answer this ques­tion, the chances are you are on the right path. If you know who your Mas­ter is, in my case, it’s Christ. It will be easy for me to know what I was made for and my core val­ues.

But for the spouse, it’s hard. Because it’s crit­i­cal. It will make or break your future. So seek coun­sel from your friends and pray.

Now, have you ever ask your­self what kind of spouse are you look­ing for? In real­i­ty, it wasn’t easy. It takes a vil­lage to find a spouse!

In Proverbs 31:10 says “A good woman is hard to find and worth far more than dia­monds.”

With lots of infor­ma­tion from the inter­net and sen­sa­tion­al­ist, and new age speak­ers who always talks about the roman­tic rela­tion­ships just like the Mr. Speak­er told the young girl to just say yes to the per­son, how will I know if that is right? Are there any guide­lines that we can fol­low?

For­tu­nate­ly, there is. So stop lis­ten­ing to those speak­ers whose try­ing to per­suade you that there is a per­fect for­mu­la to have a good mar­riage or rela­tion­ship because the Bible itself talks a lot about it. I’m not going to share Bible vers­es here and bom­bard you with the­o­log­i­cal con­cepts, I’m just shar­ing you some prac­ti­cal guide­lines from Dan Chun’s book in which most of them came from the Bible.

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1. Don’t get mar­ried to be ful­filled. Get mar­ried to ful­fill the oth­er per­son.

Mar­riage is not about find­ing the one who will com­plete you. If you com­bine two less lone­ly peo­ple in the world, you will get two lone­ly peo­ple, it’s not fine, right? Jesus is the only one who can com­plete you.

2. To be lone­ly as a sin­gle is bet­ter than being lone­ly as a mar­ried. It’s painful to be lone­ly inside a mar­riage. 

Here some of the ways you can max­i­mize your sea­son as a sin­gle per­son.

3. Mar­ry­ing the wrong per­son can be very, very hard.

4. Be the per­son you want to mar­ry. Work on the things you need to deal with before mar­riage.

The ques­tion is not what I like or what are my stan­dards, the ques­tion should be, Am I becom­ing the per­son I want to mar­ry? Am I becom­ing the per­son in my own stan­dards for my poten­tial spouse?

5. The great­est advan­tage you have in find­ing a spouse is know­ing your­self.

6. No one will ever fill the void you have for the love you want or need. Only God can do that.

7. Here’s where my 3 C’s come to play in: Char­ac­ter, Com­pe­ten­cy, Con­ver­sa­tions. Look for these three things.

Char­ac­ter: is the per­son has a good char­ac­ter? How does he or she deal with pres­sure? Did he or she burst out in anger over small things? How do he or she react to dif­fi­cult sit­u­a­tions?

Com­pe­ten­cy: Is this per­son has a job? How he or she is with it? Can he or she remain on the job longer? Can he or she mas­ter a skill? Or he or she is lazy and incom­pe­tent?

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Con­ver­sa­tions: Rela­tion­ship is all about com­mu­ni­ca­tion. If the per­son loves to argue, not lis­ten­ing and seems not inter­est­ed to hear what you say and your sto­ries, move on. Find a per­son whom you can talk to for hours about any top­ic that come out. If you find a per­son who lis­tens to you, who is inter­est­ed in you and your sto­ries, don’t let go of that per­son.

8. Want to have a great date? Invite the per­son to go on hikes, mis­sion trip or vol­un­teer­ing activ­i­ties. See how the per­son responds to stress and being in the heat where things can go wrong.

9. Mar­ry a lis­ten­er. So much of com­mu­ni­ca­tion is about lis­ten­ing and not talk­ing nor nag­ging.

10. Look for a humil­i­ty in a per­son. Humil­i­ty is a sign of high self-esteem. Why? Here are the rea­sons:

  • They don’t grab glo­ry because they know their self-worth and they need not flaunt it.
  • The feel good about them­selves and don’t care about what peo­ple think about them.
    - They don’t bring down oth­ers to their lev­el just to destroy someone’s rep­u­ta­tion.
  • They also real­ize that their fail­ures result from some­one else’s suc­cess­es.

11. Peo­ple who don’t val­ue someone’s opin­ion are lone rangers. Peo­ple want to know they count. They want to know that they are val­ued and their emo­tions and thoughts.

12. Be will­ing to not always insist on get­ting your own way.

13. For­give­ness is not about con­don­ing a harm­ful act or for­get about the offense. You can’t for­get an offense. For­give­ness is about giv­ing your right to retal­i­ate and leav­ing the judg­ment to God. God knows we can­not han­dle jus­tice well so he offered to leave it to Him. He knows how to pay­back, God says, “Vengeance is mine.”

14. A per­son is trust­wor­thy when his or her word is like a bond. He or she is a promise keep­er, not a promise break­er.

SEE ALSO:  Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

And last,

15. The art of find­ing a spouse is not find­ing the right per­son but becom­ing the right per­son. It is not about what will you get from him or her but what can I offer to him or her?

All right! I hope you find some­thing valu­able from it. If you want to read his book, it is avail­able on Ama­zon and some book­stores in the Philip­pines.

Let me leave you with a quote from Alfred Adler, “Fol­low your heart but take your brain with you.”

Feel free to share this with your friends who are going to mar­ry or on the sea­son of look­ing for a spouse.




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I blog about my dis­cov­er­ies and learn­ings with per­son­al devel­op­ment, blog­ging, writ­ing, pub­lic speak­ing, and pub­lish­ing. I am a Jesus fol­low­er. Each month, I send out a newslet­ter with free tips on those top­ics.

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