I just got back from the habit of finishing a book in one month. And there was a day I was looking for a book to read from my bookshelf. And voila! I saw Pastor Dan Chun’s book about how to pick spouse and it sounds interesting. So I read it.
I believe that there are three major decisions in life that we have to make.
Master: To whom will I dedicate my life?
Mission: What is my purpose or passion in life?
Mate: Who will be my spouse?
To whom will I dedicate my life? If you can answer this question, the chances are you are on the right path. If you know who your Master is, in my case, it’s Christ. It will be easy for me to know what I was made for and my core values.
But for the spouse, it’s hard. Because it’s critical. It will make or break your future. So seek counsel from your friends and pray.
Now, have you ever ask yourself what kind of spouse are you looking for? In reality, it wasn’t easy. It takes a village to find a spouse!
In Proverbs 31:10 says “A good woman is hard to find and worth far more than diamonds.”
With lots of information from the internet and sensationalist, and new age speakers who always talks about the romantic relationships just like the Mr. Speaker told the young girl to just say yes to the person, how will I know if that is right? Are there any guidelines that we can follow?
Fortunately, there is. So stop listening to those speakers whose trying to persuade you that there is a perfect formula to have a good marriage or relationship because the Bible itself talks a lot about it. I’m not going to share Bible verses here and bombard you with theological concepts, I’m just sharing you some practical guidelines from Dan Chun’s book in which most of them came from the Bible.
1. Don’t get married to be fulfilled. Get married to fulfill the other person.
Marriage is not about finding the one who will complete you. If you combine two less lonely people in the world, you will get two lonely people, it’s not fine, right? Jesus is the only one who can complete you.
2. To be lonely as a single is better than being lonely as a married. It’s painful to be lonely inside a marriage.
3. Marrying the wrong person can be very, very hard.
4. Be the person you want to marry. Work on the things you need to deal with before marriage.
The question is not what I like or what are my standards, the question should be, Am I becoming the person I want to marry? Am I becoming the person in my own standards for my potential spouse?
5. The greatest advantage you have in finding a spouse is knowing yourself.
6. No one will ever fill the void you have for the love you want or need. Only God can do that.
7. Here’s where my 3 C’s come to play in: Character, Competency, Conversations. Look for these three things.
Character: is the person has a good character? How does he or she deal with pressure? Did he or she burst out in anger over small things? How do he or she react to difficult situations?
Competency: Is this person has a job? How he or she is with it? Can he or she remain on the job longer? Can he or she master a skill? Or he or she is lazy and incompetent?
Conversations: Relationship is all about communication. If the person loves to argue, not listening and seems not interested to hear what you say and your stories, move on. Find a person whom you can talk to for hours about any topic that come out. If you find a person who listens to you, who is interested in you and your stories, don’t let go of that person.
8. Want to have a great date? Invite the person to go on hikes, mission trip or volunteering activities. See how the person responds to stress and being in the heat where things can go wrong.
9. Marry a listener. So much of communication is about listening and not talking nor nagging.
10. Look for a humility in a person. Humility is a sign of high self-esteem. Why? Here are the reasons:
- They don’t grab glory because they know their self-worth and they need not flaunt it.
- The feel good about themselves and don’t care about what people think about them.
- They don’t bring down others to their level just to destroy someone’s reputation.
- They also realize that their failures result from someone else’s successes.
11. People who don’t value someone’s opinion are lone rangers. People want to know they count. They want to know that they are valued and their emotions and thoughts.
12. Be willing to not always insist on getting your own way.
13. Forgiveness is not about condoning a harmful act or forget about the offense. You can’t forget an offense. Forgiveness is about giving your right to retaliate and leaving the judgment to God. God knows we cannot handle justice well so he offered to leave it to Him. He knows how to payback, God says, “Vengeance is mine.”
14. A person is trustworthy when his or her word is like a bond. He or she is a promise keeper, not a promise breaker.
15. The art of finding a spouse is not finding the right person but becoming the right person. It is not about what will you get from him or her but what can I offer to him or her?
All right! I hope you find something valuable from it. If you want to read his book, it is available on Amazon and some bookstores in the Philippines.
Let me leave you with a quote from Alfred Adler, “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.”
Feel free to share this with your friends who are going to marry or on the season of looking for a spouse.
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