Notes from the Book: How To Pick A Spouse by Dan Chun

I just got back from the habit of fin­ish­ing a book in one month. And there was a day I was look­ing for a book to read from my book­shelf. And voila! I saw Pas­tor Dan Chun’s book about how to pick spouse and it sounds inter­est­ing. So I read it.

I believe that there are three major deci­sions in life that we have to make.

Mas­ter: To whom will I ded­i­cate my life?
Mis­sion: What is my pur­pose or pas­sion in life?
Mate: Who will be my spouse?

To whom will I ded­i­cate my life? If you can answer this ques­tion, the chances are you are on the right path. If you know who your Mas­ter is, in my case, it’s Christ. It will be easy for me to know what I was made for and my core val­ues.

But for the spouse, it’s hard. Because it’s crit­i­cal. It will make or break your future. So seek coun­sel from your friends and pray.

Now, have you ever ask your­self what kind of spouse are you look­ing for? In real­i­ty, it wasn’t easy. It takes a vil­lage to find a spouse!

In Proverbs 31:10 says “A good woman is hard to find and worth far more than dia­monds.”

With lots of infor­ma­tion from the inter­net and sen­sa­tion­al­ist, and new age speak­ers who always talks about the roman­tic rela­tion­ships just like the Mr. Speak­er told the young girl to just say yes to the per­son, how will I know if that is right? Are there any guide­lines that we can fol­low?

For­tu­nate­ly, there is. So stop lis­ten­ing to those speak­ers whose try­ing to per­suade you that there is a per­fect for­mu­la to have a good mar­riage or rela­tion­ship because the Bible itself talks a lot about it. I’m not going to share Bible vers­es here and bom­bard you with the­o­log­i­cal con­cepts, I’m just shar­ing you some prac­ti­cal guide­lines from Dan Chun’s book in which most of them came from the Bible.

1. Don’t get mar­ried to be ful­filled. Get mar­ried to ful­fill the oth­er per­son.

Mar­riage is not about find­ing the one who will com­plete you. If you com­bine two less lone­ly peo­ple in the world, you will get two lone­ly peo­ple, it’s not fine, right? Jesus is the only one who can com­plete you.

2. To be lone­ly as a sin­gle is bet­ter than being lone­ly as a mar­ried. It’s painful to be lone­ly inside a mar­riage. 

Here some of the ways you can max­i­mize your sea­son as a sin­gle per­son.

3. Mar­ry­ing the wrong per­son can be very, very hard.

4. Be the per­son you want to mar­ry. Work on the things you need to deal with before mar­riage.

The ques­tion is not what I like or what are my stan­dards, the ques­tion should be, Am I becom­ing the per­son I want to mar­ry? Am I becom­ing the per­son in my own stan­dards for my poten­tial spouse?

5. The great­est advan­tage you have in find­ing a spouse is know­ing your­self.

6. No one will ever fill the void you have for the love you want or need. Only God can do that.

7. Here’s where my 3 C’s come to play in: Char­ac­ter, Com­pe­ten­cy, Con­ver­sa­tions. Look for these three things.

Char­ac­ter: is the per­son has a good char­ac­ter? How does he or she deal with pres­sure? Did he or she burst out in anger over small things? How do he or she react to dif­fi­cult sit­u­a­tions?

Com­pe­ten­cy: Is this per­son has a job? How he or she is with it? Can he or she remain on the job longer? Can he or she mas­ter a skill? Or he or she is lazy and incom­pe­tent?

Con­ver­sa­tions: Rela­tion­ship is all about com­mu­ni­ca­tion. If the per­son loves to argue, not lis­ten­ing and seems not inter­est­ed to hear what you say and your sto­ries, move on. Find a per­son whom you can talk to for hours about any top­ic that come out. If you find a per­son who lis­tens to you, who is inter­est­ed in you and your sto­ries, don’t let go of that per­son.

8. Want to have a great date? Invite the per­son to go on hikes, mis­sion trip or vol­un­teer­ing activ­i­ties. See how the per­son responds to stress and being in the heat where things can go wrong.

9. Mar­ry a lis­ten­er. So much of com­mu­ni­ca­tion is about lis­ten­ing and not talk­ing nor nag­ging.

10. Look for a humil­i­ty in a per­son. Humil­i­ty is a sign of high self-esteem. Why? Here are the rea­sons:

  • They don’t grab glo­ry because they know their self-worth and they need not flaunt it.
  • The feel good about them­selves and don’t care about what peo­ple think about them.
    - They don’t bring down oth­ers to their lev­el just to destroy someone’s rep­u­ta­tion.
  • They also real­ize that their fail­ures result from some­one else’s suc­cess­es.

11. Peo­ple who don’t val­ue someone’s opin­ion are lone rangers. Peo­ple want to know they count. They want to know that they are val­ued and their emo­tions and thoughts.

12. Be will­ing to not always insist on get­ting your own way.

13. For­give­ness is not about con­don­ing a harm­ful act or for­get about the offense. You can’t for­get an offense. For­give­ness is about giv­ing your right to retal­i­ate and leav­ing the judg­ment to God. God knows we can­not han­dle jus­tice well so he offered to leave it to Him. He knows how to pay­back, God says, “Vengeance is mine.”

14. A per­son is trust­wor­thy when his or her word is like a bond. He or she is a promise keep­er, not a promise break­er.

And last,

15. The art of find­ing a spouse is not find­ing the right per­son but becom­ing the right per­son. It is not about what will you get from him or her but what can I offer to him or her?

All right! I hope you find some­thing valu­able from it. If you want to read his book, it is avail­able on Ama­zon and some book­stores in the Philip­pines.

Let me leave you with a quote from Alfred Adler, “Fol­low your heart but take your brain with you.”

Feel free to share this with your friends who are going to mar­ry or on the sea­son of look­ing for a spouse.

8 Lessons From 100 Tula Para Kay Stella

Last Sun­day, we watched “100 Tula Para Kay Stel­la”. Yes third-wheel ulit ako though I can watch movies alone. I don’t watch roman­tic movies cause I watch movies unless it will pick my inter­est to do so. But this time, I am deter­mined to watch a local indie movie. I love indies! It depicts the real­i­ty of life. I love the plot, I love the sto­ry of a young man who fell in love with a young woman and wrote poems for her.

I can relate some­how as a cer­ti­fied intro­vert and a tor­pe before, I remem­ber when I was in high school, I wrote a lot of let­ters for my crush in a piece of a note­book. And then I wrote every­thing about her on it. From poems to love let­ters. I know you want to know what hap­pened and to cut the long sto­ry short, I failed to give the note­book to her because I found out she has a boyfriend already. Haha­ha. The note­book? I burned that already.

So while watch­ing the movie, I wrote as much as pos­si­ble lessons that I learned from it. I believe not only in a rela­tion­ship, we can apply these in our dai­ly lives.

Dis­claimer: Images are not mine. If you own any of these don’t hes­i­tate to email me and will give the right­ful own­er­ship to you.

 

1. Tell it upfront.

For men, when you like some­one, first pray about it then tell her when you’re ready to com­mit not when you’re lone­ly.

I like how Fidel wrote poems for her. He invest­ed his emo­tions to Stel­la by fan­ta­siz­ing about her and wrote it in a poem. But he failed to tell her when in fact they have been togeth­er for so many times. He got the chance to tell her when Stel­la has mar­ried to oth­er man and preg­nant already, how dev­as­tat­ing. If he could have told her ear­ly, it might be a hap­py end­ing.

Kaya ikaw brad, pag ready ka na sabi­hin mo na! Women will tell you if they don’t like you by reject­ing you. If they don’t like you, assess your­self. Would you still like her despite the rejec­tion? Then try again after some time, if not, stay away and move on. If you’re wor­ried if you will still be friends after that? Most like­ly it depends on your deci­sion and her deci­sion. But accord­ing to what I have expe­ri­enced, it’s pos­si­ble but close­ness to each oth­er will take time to rebuild.

Just like in our dai­ly lives, we Fil­ipinos are man pleasers by nature. We fear rejec­tion, we don’t like the feel­ing of hurt­ing some­one, we want to be at peace with every­one. But it’s not good most of the time when our friend is doing some­thing wrong. Show care to them by telling them what it is.

In our careers, most man­agers today encour­age open doors. Tell all your con­cerns and com­plaints. Share your career aspi­ra­tions so they know how can they help you.

In every­thing, try to tell it up front. It is bet­ter to be clear so there will be no room for mis­un­der­stand­ing.

 

2. Have a deep­er pur­pose in all that you will do.

Pur­su­ing what you love while you are study­ing is not bad if you know how to man­age your pri­or­i­ties.

I like how Fidel focused on his stud­ies. He want­ed to fin­ish col­lege. He did not allow any oth­er cir­cum­stances to stop him from fin­ish­ing it.  He knows its pur­pose.

Unlike Stel­la who was a stub­born lady. All she wants is her dreams. To be famous, to per­form in front of a large crowd, being applaud­ed by many peo­ple. But for what? I observed that she lacks a deep­er sense of her pur­pose.

It is impor­tant to have a pur­pose in your life. Why do you do what you do? It is bet­ter to know your “why” first. What I mean, the deep­er pur­pose for your exis­tence. A pur­pose that will give you a mis­sion and vision big­ger than your­self.

 

 

3.  You need friends in your dark­est nights.

You need friends whom you will turn to when every­thing goes wrong. I expe­ri­enced the time when I was young that I don’t have friends to turn to. I felt alone, I felt no one loves me.

But thank God, He nev­er let me be alone. Choose the peo­ple whom you want to be asso­ci­at­ed with. They will make or break you. Bad com­pa­ny cor­rupts good char­ac­ter. You become the aver­age of the five peo­ple you spend time with.

 

4. A lost oppor­tu­ni­ty is a lost oppor­tu­ni­ty.

Sayang!” When we lost an oppor­tu­ni­ty we often exclaimed this. But a lost is a lost. But instead of regret­ting it, grab it next time.

 

5. Don’t be a social climber who uses peo­ple to their own advan­tage to achieve your dreams.

Stel­la uses peo­ple to her own advan­tage. She entered a rela­tion­ship with some men as a step towards ful­fill­ment of her dreams.

Don’t be a social climber. Don’t be user-friend­ly. If you want to achieve your dreams, have gen­uine rela­tion­ships with peo­ple who have the same inter­est and dreams as yours, who will help you and you will help as well. Be self-less serve them.

 

6. Don’t let your dreams become your pur­pose for your exis­tence.

Stella’s pur­pose for her exis­tence is her dreams of becom­ing a famous singer. How sad to know that she wasn’t able to achieve her dreams.

It’s okay to have dreams but don’t make it your world. Focus­ing too much on it will lead you to a frus­trat­ed life. Enjoy life, enjoy the jour­ney.

 

7. Some­times you don’t have to be des­per­ate for an oppor­tu­ni­ty. Be ready. As oppor­tu­ni­ty comes not to those who seek it but those who are ready for it.

Fidel doesn’t have plans to become a singer, but one of his class­mates dis­cov­ered that he has a tal­ent for singing. Then he start­ed to have gigs with his band.

Don’t be des­per­ate. If it’s meant for you, it’s for you.

 

8. Don’t make some­one becomes your world.

Fidel revolves his life around Stel­la. He made her his world. I remem­ber what he said to Stel­la: “Corny man sabi­hin, pero ikaw ang mun­do ko.”

To be hon­est, in the past, I made some­one to be my world. Dev­as­tat­ing expe­ri­ence. From there on, I learned not to make some­one my world. Because in the end, a per­son can love you or will be there as long as they can but can­not be with you for­ev­er.

That’s where I learn to make Jesus my world. Every­thing I do revolves around him. He is the rea­son for my exis­tence. He was there before I was born. He knows a lot about myself more than I know myself. He loves me more than any oth­er per­son in this world by giv­ing up His life for me.

To end this blog, I want to leave you one of the best lines from the movie:

This is true in some ways. Ang nakakat­u­luyan natin is yung taong gus­to ni Lord para sa atin.

Have you watched the movie already? Share in the com­ments what you have learned as well! If you haven’t watched, this is the last day, you must watch it!

Till next time.

When God Closed Doors and Relationships

We are all rela­tion­al beings long­ing to live with oth­er peo­ple. We have friends that some­times we unknow­ing­ly cat­e­gor­i­cal­ly them by the lev­el of their sig­nif­i­cance in our lives; we have best friends, close friends, and new friends we cher­ished. We have our fam­i­ly mem­bers and rel­a­tives we dear­ly most.

But let me focus on friend­ship. Some may dis­agree with my view but it’s okay, all per­spec­tives are valid. But for me, we did not choose our friends, God chose it for us.

It’s no won­der why God has cre­at­ed us this to be rela­tion­al because God him­self is rela­tion­al. Rela­tion­ships play an impor­tant role in our lives. I like how C. S Lewis in his book Four Loves define friend­ship. He said;

In friendship…we think we have cho­sen our peers. In real­i­ty a few years’ dif­fer­ence in the dates of our births, a few more miles between cer­tain hous­es, the choice of one uni­ver­si­ty instead of another…the acci­dent of a top­ic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Chris­t­ian, there are, strict­ly speak­ing no chances. A secret mas­ter of cer­e­monies has been at work. Christ, who said to the dis­ci­ples, “Ye have not cho­sen me, but I have cho­sen you,” can tru­ly say to every group of Chris­t­ian friends, “Ye have not cho­sen one anoth­er but I have cho­sen you for one anoth­er.” The friend­ship is not a reward for our dis­crim­i­nat­ing and good taste in find­ing one anoth­er out. It is the instru­ment by which God reveals to each of us the beau­ties of oth­ers.” 

I agree with him; we did not choose our friends, God chose them for us. He chose them for us since the very foun­da­tion of the world for a pur­pose. And as each rela­tion­ship we have, it is either reveal the beau­ty in each of us and make all things joy­ful or some­times ter­ri­bly dev­as­tat­ing. And some­times we have to make a choice.

To be hon­est, I lived the life of being alone for the longest time in my life; I hat­ed peo­ple, some of my friends betrayed me, but I real­ize that I need peo­ple in my life. I also learned that some peo­ple came into our lives can last a life­time but some are not, hence they are clos­ing their doors.

When a close relationship starts to falter

Rela­tion­ships are messy. I kid you not. It can turn a boy into a man, and a man into a war­rior or a fall­en war­rior. 

Have you ever expe­ri­enced a point in your life that you had mis­un­der­stand­ings, argu­ments, emo­tion­al insta­bil­i­ty, and dis­agree­ments? A once very close rela­tion­ship or friend­ship starts to fal­ter just because of these things.

Yes­ter­day you were once close friends, teased each oth­er, sup­ports each oth­er, pray for each oth­er and then one day you were sur­pris­ing­ly shocked because he/she said to you: “I don’t like to be your friend any­more. We are not peers.”  Ouch! What hap­pened? You agreed togeth­er to be friends but then he/she is clos­ing the door.

And then you real­ize you have to make a choice. A dif­fi­cult choice. “Will I over­look the offense and con­tin­ue lov­ing him/her uncon­di­tion­al­ly?”, “Will I step back for a moment and let it cool off then come back again?”, or “Will I choose to end the rela­tion­ship and all we had and close the door?”

It is not always a happy ending

We, humans always long­ing for a hap­py end­ing. No won­der why Kore­an dra­mas, Hol­ly­wood movies, nov­els, and movie series must have their own hap­py end­ings lest peo­ple will end up dis­ap­point­ed.

We long for a hap­py end­ing because God imprint­ed it in our hearts. I’ve met and know a lot of peo­ple who are still unhap­py and unsat­is­fied even they are wealthy, why is that? Because they long for a hap­py end­ing and they are look­ing for it in the wrong places.

We all long­ing for a hap­py end­ing. A hap­py end­ing that there will be no more death, mourn­ing, cry­ing or pain. There will be no more rejec­tion and there will be no more closed doors.

When God closed the doors and you’ve left outside

I’m not real­ly a rela­tion­al per­son. I don’t like talk­ing with oth­er peo­ple but late­ly, in life, I decid­ed to learn and grow as a com­mu­ni­ca­tor. And now I love to com­mu­ni­cate. I love to share sto­ries and insights and sure­ly I make friends. My friends have grown in num­bers for the past five years but also I’ve had my fair share of being left out­side a closed door and being the one who closed the door.

Recent­ly, a friend or should I say a close friend told me that we are not peers any­more. That sounds to me that he/she is clos­ing the door. I told him/her to explain what he/she means but he/she did not respond. I told myself, “Wait, what hap­pened? The last time we talked was we are still close friends, and now it was no longer?”. I held my breath as I felt like I was emo­tion­al­ly dev­as­tat­ed.

I had to go through time where­in I des­per­ate­ly ask­ing God for rea­sons. He is God, He knew every­thing. I know He has a pur­pose for this sea­son. I asked Him, “Lord, why did this hap­pen?”, “Have I done any­thing wrong?”, “Lord, why did you allow us to meet in the first place when in the begin­ning it was your plan to close the door?, “Lord can we ever go back to the way it was?”

As I pray and seek God. I real­ize that I have two choic­es.

I could take the road in which most peo­ple take — take my pride. I could’ve thought of all the accom­plish­ments I’ve had and all the bless­ings that God gave to me, be con­fi­dent. I could’ve focused on the rejec­tion and the closed door and could have told myself, “uh-huh, I don’t deserve this. It’s not my lost, any­way.”  And hope that per­son will soon real­ize that he/she made a mis­take of clos­ing the door for me. There there, if I made this deci­sion, it could instant­ly end the rela­tion­ship and entire­ly closed the door like what I have made in the past before.

The sec­ond choice was to fol­low what God has told me. In one of my devo­tions, while read­ing my Bible, I’m sure the Lord was the one who said it to me in Eph­esians 4:2 “Be com­plete­ly hum­ble and gen­tle; be patient, bear­ing with one anoth­er in love.” To love the per­son uncon­di­tion­al­ly, even I know it was extreme­ly dif­fi­cult when my emo­tions betray me.

The first choice would kill the rela­tion­ship while the sec­ond choice will take a LOT of humil­i­ty —  being already reject­ed and know­ing the doors are closed for me. I fol­lowed the choice that would glo­ri­fy and hon­or my God. I promised myself before that I won’t make any deci­sion again that will not glo­ri­fy my God and I won’t burn any bridges again.

Closed doors will be closed doors

Closed doors will be closed doors. Closed doors can only be just that–closed doors. I learned not to make it any big­ger than my faith in God. Rejec­tion is tem­po­rary, it is not big­ger than God. I believe that even if doors are closed to us in rela­tion­ships, God can open it up in His time and His amaz­ing ways. I real­ly love what my friend said to me: “Even it is a closed door, but when you chose to con­tin­ue what’s left off and if God will open the door that once was locked, God will move that in that person’s heart and that per­son will open up again to you.”

God holds all the keys.

In the end, God holds all the keys. I may have many ques­tions but I decid­ed to just trust Him, His ways are high­er than my ways, and His thoughts are high­er than my thoughts—He planned it all out since the very begin­ning of this world. That closed door was pur­pose­ful­ly ordained by God. It doesn’t mean it’ll stay closed for­ev­er. And I still hope in my rela­tion­ship with that person—that some­day he/she will open it up again for me.

God can change hearts. God can open doors. He showed it to me in dif­fer­ent ways. He has changed my heart; He has changed many hearts. Noth­ing is impos­si­ble for Him.  Choose to trust in Him com­plete­ly.

God is God. He is the Lord of All. Any mis­takes, fail­ures on our part, don’t make Him any less than He is. The heav­ens declare His majesty. “I am the Lord your God.”, “Be strong and coura­geous.” He says. Believe it with all your heart. Don’t fear, don’t fret about closed doors. Lay it all down at the feet of Jesus and put your com­plete trust in Him.

We may not under­stand com­plete­ly what He is doing and in your eyes, closed doors may be as fail­ures on your part. I’ve been there. Trust God com­plete­ly, what seems a fail­ure to us, in His eyes, it may serve as a suc­cess — a suc­cess because it wasn’t good for you and has some­thing bet­ter for you. We can nev­er real­ly under­stand God espe­cial­ly in the aspect of relationships—but that’s where real trust and faith in Him is put to the test.

Regard­less of any cir­cum­stance, I know He is sov­er­eign and I choose to trust God.

Update as of July 2017

I talked to this friend for a few min­utes to clar­i­fy what he or she means that we are not peers. Appar­ent­ly I was wrong, he or she means that we are not of the same lev­el. And he or she assured me that we are still friends regard­less of.

Update as of August 2017

Noth­ing has changed since then except for the fact that he or she didn’t kept her word. I was hurt that he or she treat­ed me as a stranger when in fact he or she said that we are still friends.

 

I Have No Regrets

© must­bethistall­toride

It was Decem­ber 2015 in the evening when I final­ly decid­ed to stop regret­ting about what hap­pened in my life. I used to regret the deci­sions I’ve made, the actions I’ve tak­en but on that night, I knelt down in prayer and left every­thing to Jesus.

A lot of peo­ple have many regrets in life. Whether they missed an oppor­tu­ni­ty that gets in the way or a loss of some­one they dear­ly loved because they weren’t able to express to them how they real­ly love them. Pero ang isa na yata sa pina­ka-malalang regrets ng mga kalalak­i­han is hin­di mo man lang nasabi or na-express yung dap­at mong sabi­hin sa taong gus­to mo. Nag­ka-boyfriend na ng iba, wala ka man lang nasabi. Haha!

Not a few weeks ago, I talked to dif­fer­ent peo­ple that I know can speak to my life not because they were my friends but because they can give the infor­ma­tion or the feed­back that I need, not the one that I want. I took every­thing that they’ve said, and also what God said.

Mak­ing the deci­sion was a dif­fi­cult one. Most of my friends’ valid con­cern was “Dhenn, are you sure about it?”. “Yes”, I prompt­ly replied. I have actu­al­ly doubt­ed my deci­sion a lot of times. My plans at first didn’t come out as I expect­ed, but any­way,  I was able to car­ry it out until the deci­sion came out.

I won’t tell you the details but a friend told me again, “Did you regret what you did?” 

After three con­sec­u­tive years, that was the only time I heard the word “regret” again. And to regret is a feel­ing of dis­ap­point­ment, sad­ness or frus­tra­tion over some­thing that has hap­pened or been done or about some­thing you wish you did. It’s a painful feel­ing because you can’t bring back the time, yung tipong anda­mi mong “what-ifs” in life or “what could have been”. Yung agony na nabubuhay ka sa nakaraan at hin­di sa kung anong meron ngay­on.

And then I told my friend that I didn’t. To regret is such a waste of time. I can nev­er bring back the time, I can nev­er restore things to its orig­i­nal state. But one thing for sure, I did what I need to be done. I stepped out of faith and risk the whole of myself so that I will not be baf­fled with ques­tions that were fill­ing my mind. My ques­tions have been answered, it brings clar­i­ty and direc­tion to me. And maybe if I didn’t step out of faith and courage, per­haps my mind was still filled with ques­tions that I can nev­er answer until I ask.

God made it clear to me that He still keep­ing the best for me, and I still have a mis­sion to accom­plish.

There will be a time that we will be dis­ap­point­ed, but there’s one Per­son I know who risked his life for the peo­ple who didn’t even like him, for the peo­ple who reject­ed him. Did he regret what he did? No, he didn’t. He was proud of it. He high­ly thought of you while he was dying. And he is Jesus Christ, the most coura­geous per­son I’ve ever known. Till next time.

To The “Not Yet Married” Men In Clearing Your Intentions

It was April of 2014 after a church ser­vice the last time I laid down my inten­tions to a woman I like to mar­ry. After a week, I got a “yes”, not know­ing how to respond, I just invit­ed her to pray. After a few months of going out and spend­ing time with friends and spir­i­tu­al fam­i­ly, we decid­ed to end the courtship, You prob­a­bly ask­ing why, well it sim­ply we were not meant for each oth­er.

Though I believe the courtship was suc­cess­ful,  I know it was painful and at the same time on my part. I real­ize that I wasn’t real­ly ready of enter­ing into a rela­tion­ship with some­one because of my imma­tu­ri­ty and inse­cu­ri­ties. So through­out the months that I was heal­ing myself, I seek, I read, I work steadi­ly to improve just to be the best ver­sion of me — I’m not yet real­ly at that lev­el, but I believe I made pro­gres­sion each year that goes by.

Just a dis­claimer, I’m not an expert, nor you may dis­agree with my opin­ion, I’m just shar­ing what I learned from my expe­ri­ences and what oth­er men­tors and mar­ried men told me in clear­ing my inten­tions to women I like. You may take it or not, and it’s all up to you. 

But before any­thing else, make sure you are con­fi­dent that you can lead her, you have a job, you are ground­ed in the Scrip­tures, and have a rela­tion­ship with God, and fore­most, she is god­ly because it is not enough that she’s just a Chris­t­ian.

Men, when you like a girl, don’t dil­ly dal­ly or ask your­self whether this girl will like you back or not, just go and pur­sue her.  I kid you not, I wast­ed my time spend­ing 3 years wait­ing for the right time when to declare my inten­tions of court­ing the woman I liked before. It’s okay to be friends with her because after all, friend­ship is the foun­da­tion of any rela­tion­ship, but don’t wait for too long. I learned that I played safe because I fear rejec­tion, so as a result, it was a painful expe­ri­ence.

Have a time­line when you will clear your inten­tions. I think hav­ing a time­line is impor­tant. Per­haps the rea­son why I wait­ed too long was that I don’t have any time­line, to begin with. I enjoyed so much being with her as a friend for the long time that I don’t have any goals. I wast­ed my youth if I had only fig­ured out that we are nev­er meant for each oth­er and we are good as friends only, as ear­ly as pos­si­ble, I would have saved time and nev­er invest­ed so many emo­tions and time for that per­son.

Have a list of qual­i­ties and char­ac­ter­is­tics you pre­fer to mar­ried with. Not all men have this, but I do. It helps me to make bet­ter deci­sions of what I like ver­sus of what I real­ly want.

Don’t date or court some­one whom you will not mar­ry. The goal of courtship is to get to know your poten­tial future spouse. The goal of courtship must be mar­riage. You wouldn’t like to invest your emo­tions and, time and mon­ey to some­one you will not mar­ry, it will be such a waste if you date just for fun. “Date wise­ly, it will save you from heart­break”, a mar­ried friend once said to me whom I have met last week,

Be firm with your deci­sion. There will be many fac­tors that might affect your deci­sion. Per­haps, the opin­ion of oth­ers. The opin­ion of your lead­ers, spir­i­tu­al men­tors, fam­i­ly, and friends are impor­tant but they are not the one who will choose a spouse for you. Be selec­tive, not all opin­ions mat­ters. One way to help you be firm in your deci­sion is ask­ing your­self, why do I like her?, do I see myself with this per­son for a life­time?, and most impor­tant and should nev­er be neglect­ed, what does God say?

Now you’ve got all what you need, what’s next? Tell her! “Man up!” , this is what I often hear from oth­ers. Men should man up! Oh yes! I am preach­ing to myself as well! Haha.

Tell her:

  • What do you like about her?
  • Why her?
  • What do you want to say? I-like-you
  • What do you want her to do? I–like-to-ask–your-permission-if-you-would-allow-me-to-date-and-court-you.
  • For what? To-get-to-know-you.

Then pause and wait for her deci­sion. She might be in the state of con­fu­sion or bewil­dered by your courage and still pro­cess­ing every­thing you have just said. She also might laugh at you and thought it was a joke but show to her that you are seri­ous.

Hooray, you did it! So, what then? Prob­a­bly the next step is how to han­dle her response. And it’s only three: “Yes”, “No” and, “I will pray for it”.

This is how you respond. Anoth­er dis­claimer, I only learned this from my leader whom I talked with last Sun­day.

If she says Yes. Boom! you got her! She is giv­ing you a chance! In this case, you may say, “Thank you, I will try my best to pur­sue and win your heart and in the event that you will say “no” while in the process, I will respect your deci­sion.

If she says No. It’s okay broth­er. Men are born war­riors. If she says no, then ask the rea­son why. Then assure her that you will respect her deci­sion as well.

if she says, I will pray about it. This means she will pray and ask God for help to decide. In this case, ask her whether she will pray for the deci­sion or she will pray whether she will con­sid­er enter­ing a rela­tion­ship with you. And if she will answer the lat­ter part, then it means she already allow­ing you to court and date her. If the first one, give her a week and ask her out again for a fol­low-up. Just a reminder, don’t make kulit her dur­ing the week she is pray­ing and think­ing about her deci­sion.

And that’s it. The pur­pose of courtship sea­son is to get to know whether both of you will pro­ceed to engage­ment and then mar­riage. Have a time­line as well when you will plan to get mar­ried. While this may sound a good guide, it is bet­ter to con­sult with your par­ents and mar­ried friends.

Now you should be able to Ready.Set.Go.

The Two Types of Relationships You Might Never Heard Of

It’s been a busy month for me because I wasn’t able to catch up writ­ing and I paused for a while from read­ing a book.

It was a great moment of learn­ing from my men­tor last week togeth­er with oth­ers through fel­low­ship.

We dis­cussed a lot of things, from faith, Jesus, pur­pose, speak­ing, writ­ing a book, and rela­tion­ships.

Today, I would like to share with you what I have learned from rela­tion­ships.

There are many kinds of rela­tion­ships, co-work­er rela­tion­ship, friend­ship, roman­tic rela­tion­ship, man­ag­er to employ­ee rela­tion­ship, men­tor to mentee rela­tion­ship, etc.

They may seem a lot and I learned that all of them fall into two types of rela­tion­ship:

  1. Con­ve­nient Rela­tion­ship
  2. Covenant Rela­tion­ship

Now let me expound them for you.

Con­ve­nient Rela­tion­ship

Nah, from the word itself, the con­ve­nient rela­tion­ship is an easy way out for those who doesn’t like the incon­ve­nience and the messy part of rela­tion­ships.

Peo­ple who are into this kind of rela­tion­ship uses peo­ple to their own advan­tage. They act like con­sumers until you can give some­thing that ben­e­fits them, they will not leave you.

You need to fit into their world and if you don’t they will leave one day once they find a new orga­ni­za­tion or a per­son who can give them bet­ter options.

You also have friends like these, they want to be with you because you are fun to be with; they love fel­low­ships; they love talk­ing about their own stuff, but they will not sup­port you in your endeav­ors.

In the Bible, Jesus has this kind of friends. I think Jesus is an ambivert per­son; he loves to be with the peo­ple, he often with­drew from the crowd to have time for him­self and his Father.

Despite hav­ing many peo­ple fol­lowed Him, these peo­ple fol­lowed him because he per­formed many mir­a­cles.

And it was notice­able that these fol­low­ers left him the moment he preached a prophe­cy and declared that it has been ful­filled and only a few peo­ple remained to be with him.

The con­ve­nient rela­tion­ship is the rela­tion­ship that most peo­ple want these days.

A rela­tion­ship with­out labels, a rela­tion­ship with­out mis­sion, vision, and pur­pose.

The con­ve­nient rela­tion­ship can­not last when the messy part of every rela­tion­ship starts.

The Messy Part Of Every Rela­tion­ship

Accord­ing to C. S Lewis one of my favorite authors, he said, “To love at all is to be vul­ner­a­ble. Love any­thing and your heart will be wrung and pos­si­bly bro­ken. If you want to make sure of keep­ing it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an ani­mal. Wrap it care­ful­ly round with hob­bies and lit­tle lux­u­ries; avoid all entan­gle­ments. Lock it up safe in the cas­ket or cof­fin of your self­ish­ness. But in that cas­ket, safe, dark, motion­less, air­less, it will change. It will not be bro­ken; it will become unbreak­able, impen­e­tra­ble, irre­deemable. To love is to be vul­ner­a­ble.

Whether it’s a friend­ship, fam­i­ly, or roman­tic rela­tion­ship, to be in a rela­tion­ship is messy.

Strong rela­tion­ships were built when test­ed. There will be moments of dis­ap­point­ments, lost, offens­es, quar­rels, nev­er end­ing argu­ments, and etc.

Can you with­stand with these mess­es? A lot of peo­ple leave their church, their home, their friends because they can­not take offens­es. They don’t want to be cor­rect­ed. They refuse to under­stand oth­ers, what’s impor­tant for them is what they only believe is true.

I have friends who often tells me, “Hey Dhenn let me know if I am offend­ing you with what I am say­ing.” “It is okay, I get used to it, I often get offend­ed by my friends in the past and it helps me a lot to become the per­son I am today,” I replied.

In the past few years of my life, my friends offend­ed me a lot. I remem­ber how an argu­ment heat­ed up when we talk about LGBT with my VG leader on how we will reach out to them.

I was offend­ed when a close friend, court­ed the girl I like, but in the end, nei­ther one of us won her heart.

I was offend­ed when one of my close friends often checks what I post on Face­book and social media.

I can tell you a lot of times I was offend­ed. Being offend­ed is part of being in a rela­tion­ship. Will you over­look it? Take off your pride, be open, and teach­able?

If that so, you are mature enough to be in the next type of rela­tion­ship:

The Covenant Rela­tion­ship

Covenant rela­tion­ship does not only falls for the one who is get­ting mar­ried or mar­ried already.

Covenant is an agree­ment in which is in effect until the oth­er per­son dies. This kind of rela­tion­ships last­ed for a life­time.

It doesn’t require you to be with your friends all the time, hang­ing out of them, and etc. Even you are in the oth­er parts of the world, you are still friends through thick and thin.

I am grate­ful for the friends that I still have until today. I had the oppor­tu­ni­ty to dis­ci­ple some of them and most of them are mar­ried already and have their own fam­i­lies.

These friends stood the test of time. We meet rarely yet you can see that we are still bond­ed, only proves that we are in a covenant rela­tion­ship.

I would love to see that one day when we all have our own fam­i­lies, and grand­chil­dren, and become senior cit­i­zens, we will still see each oth­er and will just laugh about our past expe­ri­ences.

We have dif­fer­ent per­son­al­i­ties, atti­tudes, a dif­fer­ent process of char­ac­ter ref­or­ma­tion, and. if we only find and focus on our sim­i­lar­i­ties and for­get our dif­fer­ences and build on it, we can build long last­ing rela­tion­ships.

There will be sharp­en­ing, cor­rec­tion and rebuke.

But as the Bible says in Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharp­ens iron, and one man sharp­ens anoth­er. And no mat­ter how big the offense is, how the oth­er per­son goes against your doc­trine, still we are all chil­dren of God, our inher­i­tance is in heav­en, and what­ev­er seems joy­ful here in this world can­not out­last what is wait­ing for us in heav­en.

Of all the types and kinds of rela­tion­ships, I only know one thing that could last for­ev­er even after we die, and that is our rela­tion­ship with God.